50 Shades of Forgiveness
“Mistakes are a fact of
life: It is the response to the error that counts.” Nikki Giovanni
This is my response. I
am 26 and my lists of mistakes are miles long. My biggest mistake was waiting
until I was 26 to forgive someone for the pain and suffering they have caused
me. That someone is me. I am on a path to forgiveness and it starts
today. 50 Shades of
forgiveness is my apology to
the world. I will show forgiveness for 50 days in 50 different ways. It takes a
person 30 days to form a habit, so hopefully we can do this together. I
encourage you to take this challenge with me.
Why should we forgive? Recent research on health benefits show that people who can
make this mental shift benefit in ways they didn't anticipate, living longer.
The stress of not forgiving is a toxic combination of anger, bitterness, hatred,
resentment, and fear. These negative emotions can cause increased levels
of blood pressure, anxiety, depression, immune suppression, and the impairment
of neurological function and memory.
What is Forgiveness? We tend to not want to
forgive others because we feel they have a pass to hurt us again. To
forgive is to make a choice to give up feelings of resentment, judgment, and
the desire to seek revenge. We will demonstrate compassion, generosity, and
kindness instead of negative thoughts feelings and behavior.
Trust? People with strong social networks; friends, neighbors,
family are healthier than loners. Reminiscing on traumatic situations causes us
to be angry and lose relationships during our lifetime.
How to forgive? Boiling with rage
thinking about how that friend you held so close to your heart betrayed you,
the unfaithful partner you wanted to spend forever with, the neglectful parent
who left you, or the guy who didn't listen to NO THE FIRST TIME. How
do you forgive them? We are
not Gandhi so this takes time and effort to start the process of
forgiveness. First we must acknowledge we have been hurt and are still
upset. Secondly, make the choice to let go of the stress and anger, look beyond
your personal experience. Next, commit to doing whatever you have to do to feel
better. I decide to blog my
story.
My story? I am not telling my story for you to read.
I am telling my story for me. This is a major step in my personal goals; to be
a better parent and person. I don’t know if someone will like my truth or
hate it. I just hope it helps the girls and guys like me. The girl who wants to
move on with life, or the non-commitment guy we share the same soul. Why my story? A few days ago I watched a girl
attempt suicide on Facebook. As she began to swallow bottles of pills I cried
for her because she was finally telling her story the only way she knew how.
She stated she was a victim of rape, self-hatred, a broken heart, neglect and
bad relationships. I cried for me because I know how it feels to really want to
be free from your life, past or present. She was unable to forgive her self and
others so she ended her pain. We share similar stories.
DAY 1
I have spent years
crying over spilled milk. It happened and I am learning to deal with it. I was
molested my 9th grade
year of high school and it still affects me today. It happened on my 16th birthday. I don’t trust men and
I tend to hurt every man that gets close enough to love me. My biggest fear is
my son will experience this pain in life. For years I prayed to God this man
would die and I was okay with asking God to kill someone who hurt me. I didn't
care how it was done but I wanted him to feel how I felt from my 16th birthday until today. He had stolen my
innocent look on life. From that day forward everyone was guilty and I hated
them. I came back to school the next day a different person and it showed all
over my face. We had a test to take in my first class and I was more than
prepared for it, but mentally I was replaying the day before.
My favorite
teacher-Monique please clean off your desk and get ready for the test.
Me-I am not taking it.
My favorite teacher- yes
everyone has to take it.
I flipped the entire
desk over and said bitch I told you I’m not taking a fucking test. Ripping her paper
into piece I walked out of the room. I set in the bathroom for hours crying
until my favorite teacher came to rescue me. She didn't say go to the office.
She cried for me and she held me until I went to sleep. I had disrespected her
in front of everyone and still she attempted to love me. I hated high school
from start to finish and I blamed him. The molester who ruined my life was on
to his next pray. I found freedom and discipline the next year in ROTC. I
was schedule to go to boot camp and I loved it. Then suddenly my commanding
officer was called because I had to go to court. He molested me and I had to
give up the one thing that brought me joy. I was still being punished for his
mistakes. I WANTED TO KILL HIM. In court he made me look like a dreamer. The
defense stated I was having a bad dream and obsessed with his son. I told the
jury he molested me with his daughter lying beside me and she wouldn't wake
up. We lost the case. Today this man is sick and on his death bed.
I pray he can forgive me
for my prayers I said every night. Yes, he hurt me but he needs help. To my
favorite teacher I thank you for making my life a little easier. Forgive me for
disrespecting you in so many ways. To my classmates who stood in my way,
forgive me for the rudeness, fighting, and disrespect. The way I treated some
of you affects the way you view me today. I am not that person and will never
be so I beg you to give me a chance and get to know me. To my former self
forgive me for blaming you. My nightmares are the reason I couldn't sleep
because I would replay the situation in my dreams trying to change what
happened to me. If may be I would have said no a little faster or screamed a
little louder my life could be different. I shouldn't have let him do this to
me. Forgive me for feeling unworthy of love because of one situation.
Forgive me for thinking GOD didn't know me and the devil had it out for
me.
For Today I choose
PEACE. This situation is done and I am at peace with what has happened to me
because my tomorrow is different. I acknowledge he didn't take my life I gave
it to him by giving up on myself. I gave it to him by choosing hate. Yes he
sinned and used me; however I can no longer judge a man for his sins. I AM NOT
GOD, I AM MONIQUE.
I AM MONIQUE AND I AM AT
PEACE!
FORGIVE ME!
How do I take the "50 Shades of Forgiveness" Challenge?
I appreciate the
encouragement and overwhelming support I am receiving for sharing my truth. My
goal is to help the little girl next to me or the girl who wrote me this
morning expressing how we have similar stories. I will continue to write my
story for you. No excuses you asked for it!
How do I take the
"50 Shades of Forgiveness" Challenge?
1. Understand the
challenge is you. Get out of your own way. When you wake up in the
morning, stand in front of the mirror and give yourself encouragement that will
last you throughout the day. You will need it if you plan on facing your truth.
2. Commit yourself
to not only take the challenge but to change your life. One Day at a time. Do
not procrastinate.
3. Define
Forgiveness for yourself?
For forgiveness is...
- Making yourself responsible for how you feel.
- Healing and not
about the people who have hurt you.
- A trainable skill requires time and effort.
- Not being the victim in your story but the hero.
4. Decide how
you want to tell your story? This will release all of your
frustration. I love to write and mentor. I sleep with a journal full of
thoughts, poetry, ideas and dreams. Once you put it on paper let it
go. After I was molested, I was put out of school every 5 to 7 days.
My grades became average and still no one really noticed. I came home from a
horrible day at school and I was locked out of the house. I had to walk to my grandmother’s
house and it was cold. My family was all scatters around the house discussing
their next move. My Aunt was leaving out to go to the thrift store. I heard the
door close, or so I thought. I ran in the kitchen grabbed a knife and locked
myself in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and I cried because I didn't
even have the courage to cut myself like I saw the girls on lifetime do. I
cried because I was in pain and I couldn't do anything about it. My Aunt came
back in the house and heard me scream in agony. She pulled on the door and I
hid in the tub. When she finally got the door open she just told my
mother I needed some help. I would leave school every Wednesday for therapy. In
therapy I discover the molester was not the first man to betray me. The
therapist asked me to draw a picture of how I feel. I left the page blank. The
therapist asked me to write a letter to anyone who has hurt me. The words would
not come to me. I just wrote his name...MY FATHER.
Figure out what works
for you!!!
5. What kind of
forgiver are you?
- Conditional forgiver of others- Did you forgive him
because he promised never to do it again? I would like an apology first.
- Unconditional forgiver of others- Nothing special
needed to deserve your forgiveness.
- Unforgiving of other - I hold grudges toward others. I
despise her for ruining our friendship.
- Belief in Gods conditional forgiveness-God I promise I won’t
do it again if you forgive me for what I have done. This is a must.
- Belief in Gods unconditional forgiveness- God loves me
enough said!
- Able to forgive yourself? Yes or no Does your past
haunt you because of what you have done.
- Accept/ feel forgiven from others- "She still
blames me for hurting her"
RED FLAG- Conditional forgiveness requires a response
from the person who hurt you. This can be difficult if you are not in contact
with this person.
RED FLAG- Unconditional Forgiveness can be taken
lightly. Individuals won’t recognize the severity of the situation. For example,
"It’s okay to drink that whole bottle of patron and yes I cursed her out
but God forgives me. I don't really need her forgiveness."
Just be mindful of your
red flags. Sometimes your ability to forgive depends on the situation. So
you may want to look at the situation first.
6. Start small
or start big? Just start! It’s easier to forgive the guy who cut you
off in traffic or the rude client who always shows up late for her appointment. Start
were you are comfortable not complacent and you will keep going.
7. Focus on the
Facts/ Not the emotions. Understand what led to the
hurtful behavior. What did you contribute to the situation? Don't condone
hurtful behavior?
8. Sometimes we are a
byproduct of other people’s goals. Selfish maybe but don't take it
personal. We all have bad days. You didn't know I was going through
all of this in high school. You don't know your best friend, boyfriend,
girlfriend, cousin or uncles are dealing with. I was 25 when my mom
confesses a family member molested her when she was young. I was 16 when she
told me a stranger raped her. I was just surprise and honored
she loved me enough to tell me. She has a story but it’s not my duty to
tell it. I'm just saying you never know.
9. Forgive the
people you love. Sometimes the stories we hold on to become roadblocks on
the road to forgiveness. LET IT GO! I allowed a situation
to alter a friendship I valued. I am still working on this forgiving myself,
the individual, and situation.
10. Practice
makes perfect. Maybe today is not your day! Say it out loud to
yourself. I am a sticky note queen. I write situations down, not names
(to avoid placing blame) and put them on my forgiveness wall. To
forgive/ I am not ready.
11. Education is
the key to success. Read blogs. Visit libraries, churches, colleges,
workshops, and classes. I recommend Dare to Forgive: The Power of
Letting Go and Moving On by Edward M. Hallowell He gave me the
knowledge and power to forgive. I am sharing it with you.
Do the research. I am so
I can share it with you.
12. Why are you
taking the challenge? If you don't know your purpose what is the
point. Happiness is the best Revenge you can serve.
13. Do not
forget forgiveness is a process.
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